...he went to elementary school with Jim Crow.
...his suitpants have a built-in left-turn signal that's always on.
...his Social Security number is two digits.
...when he went to high school there was no history class.
...he got shot out of a hot-air balloon during the Civil War.
...his first set of false teeth were made out of wooly mammoth tusks.
...his liver spots have liver spots.
...he used to yell at kids to stay offa his dirtlawn in front of his cave.
...he invented the phrase "Tippecanoe and Tyler too!" as a college student.
...he was molested by St. Peter.
...he used to time his jogs with an hourglass.
...his first car was powered through the/ courtesy of his two feet.
...his staff tricked him into giving them postage money for email.
...he thought the horseless carriage thing was going to be a fad.
...he's still on AOL.
...he potty-trained in an outhouse.
...he calls Methuselah a "young whippersnapper."
...he hides his own Easter eggs.
...his brother's name was McAbel.
